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5 Ways to Change Your Relationship
Relationships can be challenging and hard to navigate at times. Why? Well, there are many reasons and I am going to talk about some them here.
1. Calling Mr. or Ms. Right!
If you are looking for the perfect partner I would suggest that do not hold your breath! Like the woman in the picture above you could end up waiting your whole life to find someone who fits your idea of the perfect mate. The truth is that all of us have strengths and weaknesses. This is a part of being human. You can spend your time in the relationship focusing on your partners strengths or on their weaknesses. Which ever one you choose is the one that will show up in your relationship.
I am not saying that you need to ignore what bothers you about your partner. I am saying that before you share your take on your partners "issues" it is necessary to take an honest look at yourself and answer the following question:
Is that trait one reflected in me? Is it something I don't really want to look at?
My partner is very often a mirror and like any mirror there are things reflected back at me that I may not want to confront. Sometimes it's easer to blame my partner and point out their flaws then it is for me to confront those flaws in myself.
2. What I don't know can definitely hurt me!
Sometimes it's just a lack of knowledge about how to have a successful relationship. Sure my parents stayed together for 40 years, but their relationship was full of conflict, pain, judgment and huge dose of not listening to each other. It's not one that I wanted to repeat, however in the beginning of my 20 year marriage I found myself repeating scenes from my parents marriage. That was painful, difficult and not what I wanted. So what did I do?
Change, change change...
Yep. That's what I needed to do. I needed to look at what I was doing, how I was contributing to the blame game or staying stuck. As long as I blamed my husband for the things that I was unhappy about in our relationship I stayed...you guessed it UNHAPPY! I had to learn from and look at what I was doing, what story I was creating about him, how I was reacting to different situations and what those reactions were about. There is no truer saying than "You can't change your partner, you can only change yourself." Or as Ghandi put it "Be the change you want to see."
3. Opposites attract...or do they?
At the beginning of a relationship there is often a strong pull towards pairing up with someone who has opposite traits. This is what keeps the spark alive, it's what can help partners grow.
When I first met my husband, I remember loving his sense of humor, adventurous nature, spontaneity and how laid back he could be. I was the exact opposite of this. Where he had high energy and was like an engine with endless enthusiam and boundless energy. I on the other hand was calm, down to earth, nurturing and a planner. After two years of marriage our differences started to rub and grind against each other and it wasn't in a good way! Where I loved his playful nature and spontaneity, there were times where I wanted and needed him to be more serious and down to earth. At the same time, there were times where he wanted and needed me to be more spontaneous and adventurous. If we kept fighting about our differences we would end up tearing at the fabric of our personality.
So what did we do?
We learned to accept and learn from each other's differences. I learned to let go, that there's more to life than planning and doing and that letting go and having fun is good for you! He learned that planning is necessary at times and can help him accomplish what he wants out of life.
4. Negativity: The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse and how they can Destroy a Relationship!
Watch Dr. John Gottman discussing how this relates to relationships:
There are four patterns discovered by Dr. John Gottman (a psychologist who has studied marriages, written numerous books about marriages and conducted experiments in his love lab using volunteer couples)that are guaranteed to destroy any relationship. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling and they can destroy any life or potential that exist in your relationship. I like to view it as toxic gas. If you live in an environment full of toxicity it's hard to connect with what is joyful, loving and tender in your relationship. Partners will be on guard most of the time, the feeling of safety between partners goes out the window and vulnerability is locked up tight. * In a healthy relationship it's important to share your vulnerable self with your partner. This is how intimacy thrives and is the oxygen of all relationships. It's want connects me to my partner. I could write a whole book about this and will do a future post about this, however for right now if you can learn how to end all negativity in your relationship it can definitely transform your relationship with yourself and your partner. (for other tips see my previous posts on Blame and how it can destroy a relationship.)
How do you approach this? How do you bring fresh air into your relationship?
In the beginning of our relationship we brought a lot of baggage into the space between us and we weren't even aware of it! If my husband was disappointed about something I did, I would feel hurt, shut down and refuse to talk about it. If I wanted to talk to him about my feelings, a frustration I had he would perform a magic trick where he would turn it around and he would blame me for this "frustration". We both had to learn how to let go of being right, put down our weapons, stop pointing the finger, chaning the subject, interrupting each other, debating and a long list of other tactics and learn how to approach conflict in a very different way! It meant that we had to approach each other with a willingness to listen to understand and have empathy for each other. Most partners will listen with the intention of defending themselves. This was a very different approach and one that really has transformed our marriage.
5. Caring behaviors is good for your relationship!
At the same time that you are ending all negativity in your relationship it's important to bring back the positive; learn each other's love language, focus on the things you value about each other, share what you appreciate about each other. There's an exercise that I have partners do at my workshops it's called Caring Behaviors and it's about letting your partner know about the ways you feel cared for and loved by them. I have each partner fill out a separate sheet with a list of the things their partner can do that shows they care. Some of the things on my list are:
I feel loved when you tell me you love me.
" " when you make breakfast on the weekend for us.
" " When you call me to see how my day is going or to share how your day is going.
" " when we go to dance class together.
Some of the things on his list are:
I feel loved when you make me special dinners
" " when you call me to see how my day is going or share how yours if going.
" " when you invite me to go out to dinner or a movie.
" " when you hug me and tell me you love me.
These are just some personal examples about ways me and my husband show our love for each other. When we do these things for each other it is like getting a gift, we both feel truly seen, loved and know that how important we are to each other.
And most of all remember to:
There is so much more that I could include but that's material for another day. Try some of these tips, you might be pleasantly surprised!
Until next time! I wish you peace…
Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She teaches couples and individuals about how to create a balanced, joyful and peaceful life. She also runs workshops for couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships and Women’s Empowerment Workshops addressing topics related to assertiveness, boundaries and self-care. For more information please contact her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net to learn more about her services.
1. Calling Mr. or Ms. Right!
If you are looking for the perfect partner I would suggest that do not hold your breath! Like the woman in the picture above you could end up waiting your whole life to find someone who fits your idea of the perfect mate. The truth is that all of us have strengths and weaknesses. This is a part of being human. You can spend your time in the relationship focusing on your partners strengths or on their weaknesses. Which ever one you choose is the one that will show up in your relationship.
I am not saying that you need to ignore what bothers you about your partner. I am saying that before you share your take on your partners "issues" it is necessary to take an honest look at yourself and answer the following question:
Is that trait one reflected in me? Is it something I don't really want to look at?
My partner is very often a mirror and like any mirror there are things reflected back at me that I may not want to confront. Sometimes it's easer to blame my partner and point out their flaws then it is for me to confront those flaws in myself.
2. What I don't know can definitely hurt me!
Sometimes it's just a lack of knowledge about how to have a successful relationship. Sure my parents stayed together for 40 years, but their relationship was full of conflict, pain, judgment and huge dose of not listening to each other. It's not one that I wanted to repeat, however in the beginning of my 20 year marriage I found myself repeating scenes from my parents marriage. That was painful, difficult and not what I wanted. So what did I do?
Change, change change...
Yep. That's what I needed to do. I needed to look at what I was doing, how I was contributing to the blame game or staying stuck. As long as I blamed my husband for the things that I was unhappy about in our relationship I stayed...you guessed it UNHAPPY! I had to learn from and look at what I was doing, what story I was creating about him, how I was reacting to different situations and what those reactions were about. There is no truer saying than "You can't change your partner, you can only change yourself." Or as Ghandi put it "Be the change you want to see."
3. Opposites attract...or do they?
At the beginning of a relationship there is often a strong pull towards pairing up with someone who has opposite traits. This is what keeps the spark alive, it's what can help partners grow.
When I first met my husband, I remember loving his sense of humor, adventurous nature, spontaneity and how laid back he could be. I was the exact opposite of this. Where he had high energy and was like an engine with endless enthusiam and boundless energy. I on the other hand was calm, down to earth, nurturing and a planner. After two years of marriage our differences started to rub and grind against each other and it wasn't in a good way! Where I loved his playful nature and spontaneity, there were times where I wanted and needed him to be more serious and down to earth. At the same time, there were times where he wanted and needed me to be more spontaneous and adventurous. If we kept fighting about our differences we would end up tearing at the fabric of our personality.
So what did we do?
We learned to accept and learn from each other's differences. I learned to let go, that there's more to life than planning and doing and that letting go and having fun is good for you! He learned that planning is necessary at times and can help him accomplish what he wants out of life.
4. Negativity: The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse and how they can Destroy a Relationship!
Watch Dr. John Gottman discussing how this relates to relationships:
There are four patterns discovered by Dr. John Gottman (a psychologist who has studied marriages, written numerous books about marriages and conducted experiments in his love lab using volunteer couples)that are guaranteed to destroy any relationship. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling and they can destroy any life or potential that exist in your relationship. I like to view it as toxic gas. If you live in an environment full of toxicity it's hard to connect with what is joyful, loving and tender in your relationship. Partners will be on guard most of the time, the feeling of safety between partners goes out the window and vulnerability is locked up tight. * In a healthy relationship it's important to share your vulnerable self with your partner. This is how intimacy thrives and is the oxygen of all relationships. It's want connects me to my partner. I could write a whole book about this and will do a future post about this, however for right now if you can learn how to end all negativity in your relationship it can definitely transform your relationship with yourself and your partner. (for other tips see my previous posts on Blame and how it can destroy a relationship.)
How do you approach this? How do you bring fresh air into your relationship?
In the beginning of our relationship we brought a lot of baggage into the space between us and we weren't even aware of it! If my husband was disappointed about something I did, I would feel hurt, shut down and refuse to talk about it. If I wanted to talk to him about my feelings, a frustration I had he would perform a magic trick where he would turn it around and he would blame me for this "frustration". We both had to learn how to let go of being right, put down our weapons, stop pointing the finger, chaning the subject, interrupting each other, debating and a long list of other tactics and learn how to approach conflict in a very different way! It meant that we had to approach each other with a willingness to listen to understand and have empathy for each other. Most partners will listen with the intention of defending themselves. This was a very different approach and one that really has transformed our marriage.
5. Caring behaviors is good for your relationship!
At the same time that you are ending all negativity in your relationship it's important to bring back the positive; learn each other's love language, focus on the things you value about each other, share what you appreciate about each other. There's an exercise that I have partners do at my workshops it's called Caring Behaviors and it's about letting your partner know about the ways you feel cared for and loved by them. I have each partner fill out a separate sheet with a list of the things their partner can do that shows they care. Some of the things on my list are:
I feel loved when you tell me you love me.
" " when you make breakfast on the weekend for us.
" " When you call me to see how my day is going or to share how your day is going.
" " when we go to dance class together.
Some of the things on his list are:
I feel loved when you make me special dinners
" " when you call me to see how my day is going or share how yours if going.
" " when you invite me to go out to dinner or a movie.
" " when you hug me and tell me you love me.
These are just some personal examples about ways me and my husband show our love for each other. When we do these things for each other it is like getting a gift, we both feel truly seen, loved and know that how important we are to each other.
And most of all remember to:
There is so much more that I could include but that's material for another day. Try some of these tips, you might be pleasantly surprised!
Until next time! I wish you peace…
Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She teaches couples and individuals about how to create a balanced, joyful and peaceful life. She also runs workshops for couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships and Women’s Empowerment Workshops addressing topics related to assertiveness, boundaries and self-care. For more information please contact her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net to learn more about her services.
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