BLAME - THE POISON THAT CAN DESTROY RELATIONSHIPS!

[Cindy Ricardo]

Want to save your relationship? Want to put an end to the blame game? Well there is a way out of the power struggle and it begins with you!

Most of us know when we are being blamed. It's usually in the words we hear. Things like "It's all your fault!" However, it is harder to know when we are the ones doing the blaming. Part of what makes it hard to pinpoint is that protecting or defending yourself against pain is instinctual. Our immediate reaction to pain is to try to make it go away. In fact, the stronger the pain, the harder we try to eliminate or minimize it.

Physical pain is sometimes easier to deal with. You have a headache, you take medicine and in 15 minutes or less the pain is gone! Emotional distress/pain is a very different story.

When we are in emotional pain we usually look around for the culprit and if we identify our partner as the one who caused it we immediately go into blaming mode. This only leads to increased pain and frustration.

You know you are blaming when you engage in any of the following behaviors:

-You make me feel ______
-If only you wouldn’t do _____ I wouldn’t do _____.
-It’s all of your fault!
-You never listen to me!

Blaming keeps you stuck in some of the following ways:

-When you blame someone else it keeps you in the role of victim/matyr
-Blaming leads to feelings of anger and resentment which then contributes to the distance and pain in your relationships.
-It blocks you from getting what you want and being able to see that you play an active role in your own life!

It's much easier to blame someone else then it is to take responsibility for your own reactions, choices, behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. So where does it begin?


WHERE DOES IT START?

I love this picture because it shows how we start learning protective or defensive behaviors at an early age! It really is a coping skill that we usually learned in order to deal with the world. The flip side is when we learn to take responsibility for anything that goes wrong. This looks like the opposite but it really isn’t as it’s learning to blame your self for everything that goes wrong and that isn’t healthy. So how can we change this behavior?

THE ANTIDOTE TO BLAME

The key is to learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and experiences; learn from them and make a conscious effort to make healthier and healing choice. Putting this into practice can be extremely difficult and challenging. After all, it’s hard to give up the feeling of being right. But in the end what is more important? To be right or to be in a relationship? You can have one but not both!

The challenge is to look at your self and ask, "How are my thoughts, behaviors, choices or feelings contributing to what is going on in my relationship?" or ask yourself, "What am I doing to create distance and hurt?"

TO GET SOMETHING DIFFERENT, YOU HAVE TO TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Try the following exercise to help you switch from blaming to taking responsibility:

- Make a list of the things that frustrate you about your spouse . For example, "I hate it when I have something important to share and my partner doesn't listen to me."

-Become aware of the story you tell yourself about what this means. (When my partner doesn't listen to me it means that he doesn't care about me!)

-Take responsibility for how you react or feel when this happens. Following the above example if I then get defensive and yell at him or shut down and refuse to talk to him, I contribute to the conflict."

- Instead I can request a time to talk to him without distractions.

- I can also put myself in my partner’s shoes and realize that there may be deeper issue here and they may have difficulty talking about certain touchy subjects.

However I won't find that out if I get defensive and blaming.

The bottom line is that you can't change your life by blaming others. You can only change your life by taking responsibility for yourself and making healthier, empowered choices.

I welcome your thoughts, feedback or stories about what works for you in your relationship!

Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She specializes in running workshops for Couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships. She also counsels couples and individuals on learning how to create a balances, joyful and empowered life. For more information please call her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net