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The Joy of Concious Relationships
The Conflict in Relationships is Just the Tip of the Iceberg!
Did you know that 90% of most icebergs are underwater? That when you look at an iceberg you're only seeing 10%? Think about that for a moment! You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg! Viewed this way it's no wonder the Titanic sunk!
So, what does this have to do with relationship? A lot! Most of the conflicts and disagreements we face in our relationships are just the tip of the iceberg, the 10%. The fact that your partner leaves the toilet seat up, or puts her makeup on in the car, or leaves crumbs on the counter top is the surface issue. 90% of the conflict is your reaction to it. That 90% has to do with your past hurts, unmet needs, ancient history or baggage as I like to call it. Don't believe me? Well here's another picture that may just convince you, or at least make you think about it!
What's Under the 10% of the Conflict?
What lies beneath is what lives in your unconscious and is only glimpsed when we get upset, angry, sad or fearful. When we feel attacked, scared, or threatened we automatically go into flight, fight, flee or play dead. This is all about protect, protect, protect! Which is perfectly okay if you are out in the savannah or the African plains and being stalked by a lion!
You'd be crazy not to runaway from a lion! However, in most relationships (with the exception of any kind of physical or verbal abuse) our partner is not the lion! It may feel at times as if they are, but they aren't.
So what happens when conflict enters the room?
Your defenses, your guard, your weapons are activated and then your relationship suffers. Let's face it, you can't connect through your defenses, or insist on blaming your partner for everything that goes wrong in your relationship. This behavior will just keep you stuck in the power struggle! Each partner must be willing to look at:
- What hurt is being triggered by your partner, what is your wound that is being activated? (If I was left alone and abandoned as a child and my partner is late this fear may be activated and then my reaction may be way out of line. We need to be able to look at the hurt that is being triggered and take responsibility for it.)
- When you feel hurt do you lash out in anger, blame your partner, shut down and ignore them? Does this help your relationship? How could you approach your partner so that he/she will hear you? (ex. making I statements, taking responsibility for your feelings and your reactions. " When you ______ I feel sad, hurt, ______)
- How do you contribute to the conflict, what are the defenses you use and how does this add to the pain and disconnection? What could you do differently?
I am also posting a link to a great podcast which helped me learn how to connect with my husband in a way that led/leads to understanding, true connection and support. I am posting it here in the hopes that couples will listen to it and learn a new set of skills. You may download it here:
The Joy of Conscious Relationships - By Tara Brach, Ph.D.
This is a podcast by Buddhist Psychotherapist, Tara Brach and addresses the following:
The Joy of Conscious Relationships addresses how..."we live in a relational field, and as we develop the capacity for presence with others, we discover the truth of our connectedness. This discovery is experienced as love, and gives rise to genuine happiness and inner freedom. This talk explores the teachings and practices that nourish conscious relationships.
I hope this helps improve your relationship with your partner and yourself!
Please feel free to leave comments or give feedback.
Until next time I wish you peace!
Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She specializes in running workshops for Couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships. She also counsels couples and individuals on learning how to create a balances, joyful and empowered life. For more information please call her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net
Did you know that 90% of most icebergs are underwater? That when you look at an iceberg you're only seeing 10%? Think about that for a moment! You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg! Viewed this way it's no wonder the Titanic sunk!
So, what does this have to do with relationship? A lot! Most of the conflicts and disagreements we face in our relationships are just the tip of the iceberg, the 10%. The fact that your partner leaves the toilet seat up, or puts her makeup on in the car, or leaves crumbs on the counter top is the surface issue. 90% of the conflict is your reaction to it. That 90% has to do with your past hurts, unmet needs, ancient history or baggage as I like to call it. Don't believe me? Well here's another picture that may just convince you, or at least make you think about it!
What's Under the 10% of the Conflict?
What lies beneath is what lives in your unconscious and is only glimpsed when we get upset, angry, sad or fearful. When we feel attacked, scared, or threatened we automatically go into flight, fight, flee or play dead. This is all about protect, protect, protect! Which is perfectly okay if you are out in the savannah or the African plains and being stalked by a lion!
You'd be crazy not to runaway from a lion! However, in most relationships (with the exception of any kind of physical or verbal abuse) our partner is not the lion! It may feel at times as if they are, but they aren't.
So what happens when conflict enters the room?
Your defenses, your guard, your weapons are activated and then your relationship suffers. Let's face it, you can't connect through your defenses, or insist on blaming your partner for everything that goes wrong in your relationship. This behavior will just keep you stuck in the power struggle! Each partner must be willing to look at:
- What hurt is being triggered by your partner, what is your wound that is being activated? (If I was left alone and abandoned as a child and my partner is late this fear may be activated and then my reaction may be way out of line. We need to be able to look at the hurt that is being triggered and take responsibility for it.)
- When you feel hurt do you lash out in anger, blame your partner, shut down and ignore them? Does this help your relationship? How could you approach your partner so that he/she will hear you? (ex. making I statements, taking responsibility for your feelings and your reactions. " When you ______ I feel sad, hurt, ______)
- How do you contribute to the conflict, what are the defenses you use and how does this add to the pain and disconnection? What could you do differently?
I am also posting a link to a great podcast which helped me learn how to connect with my husband in a way that led/leads to understanding, true connection and support. I am posting it here in the hopes that couples will listen to it and learn a new set of skills. You may download it here:
The Joy of Conscious Relationships - By Tara Brach, Ph.D.
This is a podcast by Buddhist Psychotherapist, Tara Brach and addresses the following:
The Joy of Conscious Relationships addresses how..."we live in a relational field, and as we develop the capacity for presence with others, we discover the truth of our connectedness. This discovery is experienced as love, and gives rise to genuine happiness and inner freedom. This talk explores the teachings and practices that nourish conscious relationships.
I hope this helps improve your relationship with your partner and yourself!
Please feel free to leave comments or give feedback.
Until next time I wish you peace!
Cindy Ricardo, LMHC is an Imago Relationship Therapist with a private practice in Coral Springs, Florida. She specializes in running workshops for Couples about how to create loving and supportive relationships. She also counsels couples and individuals on learning how to create a balances, joyful and empowered life. For more information please call her at 954.793.6442. or visit http://www.acaringcounselor.net
Comment
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Comment by Cindy Ricardo on March 26, 2009 at 11:26am
- Hi Phyllis! Thank you for posting your perspective and for validating this post. What lies below the surface is truly what is calling for attention, healing and often growth. When we stay focused on our partners behavior, reactions, etc. we stay stuck. It is often challenging, scary and painful to focus on ourselves but this is what needs to happen if we are to move out of the powerstruggle and into connection. This is the path to personal and relationship growth and one that can be empowering for both partners.
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Comment by Phyllis Miller on March 25, 2009 at 11:31pm - In fact, I just did a science unit with my 3rd graders on icebergs. The part that is above the water is called the sail and the larger part below is called the keel. In fact, the keel can be as large as the size of an entire state. I recently used this analogy when talking about my recovery. Dealing with the addiction is only the sail the keel is all of the hidden emotion that needs digging up, laying out and looking at before we can really be whole.
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